Yeah so the stop talking to my “friends” thing is going really great.

Yeah and I’ve made a new “friend” we’ve agree to screw the friendzone and that we can be good friends and that if we like eachother eventually then we’ll tell eachother. Today I said it’d be nice to hold someone’s hand and he said if I was dropping hints or something to him then that was weird? Well I wasn’t. But if we’re no-friendzone then how is that weird? Dumbass. Making me feel embarrassed. When he talks about his dick and stuff like he isn’t weird. THAT IS WEIRD. And I don’t make HIM feel weird about THAT so why make ME feel weird because I want to hold someone’s hand. How is that even weird? Idk it feels great to talk about it on here though. My face, I just want to hide it. My body, I just want to hide it. I just want to be invisible or only do school from home or something and never talk to anyone. I deactivated my facebook account again. I need to just like block it from my computer. I need to like deactivate my phone too. This communication with people, this attachments I have to people. They need to stop. because i keep getting hurt and right now I’m walking around PRETENDING LIKE IT’S NOT HURTING. IGNORING THE FACT IT IS. I’m purely just ignoring the fact it is. Idk what is in the future Idk what’s going to happen. If my “friends” and I will be okay. If they’ve even NOTICED my non-existance. It should hurt me that they don’t even acknowledge it, atleast not to me, but it hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m starting to think they won’t notice and they’ll just replace me with somebody. Idk maybe I just need SOME social interaction with them to keep me from going completely 0% self esteem with everything.

I need some sleep.

But I can’t. I can’t sleep. And I take anxiety medicine my mom gives me, she usually splits the dose because she thinks one would be too much. But since the split dose doesn’t do anything she gave me a whole pill today. Guess what, it hasn’t done anything, either. What is wrong with me? I don’t know. But I need to stop communicating with people first. I need to stop showing I care or have any type of attachment and just let them show me. And if they don’t, then I’ll just have no attachment to them. That should be easy. Right?

I hate being in love. I hate being in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. I hate being in love with someone who despises me. I hate being in love with someone who makes me feel disgusting about myself. I hate being in love with someone who is supposed to be my bestfriend. I hate being in love with someone who replaces me. I hate being in love with someone who constantly talks to other girls to me. I hate being in love with someone who trash talks about me to my other “friends.” I hate being in love with someone and they won’t even turn their head to look at me in the hallway. I hate being in love with someone who is constantly in my mind and such a huge part of my life, when I’m barely ever in theirs and they’ve chosen to take me completely out of their life. FUCK being in love. FUCK humanity. FUCK talking to more boys. FUCK the friendzone.

And FUCK just having friends.